From the wolf's Perspective: A Twisted Take on a Classic Tale
Narrator (British accent):
We are in a forest. Not an ordinary forest, oh no, It’’s a special forest. Ok, I lied, It’’s an ordinary frickin forest. Smelly trees and animal crap every where. I was just trying to make the scene all wonderful and...Dammit...so we are in the ordinary forest and you can hear birds chirping, maybe a little gust of wind. There is a trailer and outside this trailer are two stumps for sitting. Sitting on one stump is a huge grey wolf wearing a hot pink blazer and reading Cosmopolitan. Here comes a journalist, bloody journalists, I'd like to kill the lot of them...ahem...and now to the story...
Journalist Guy: (Irritating shout) Excuse me?
Journalist Guy: (Stopping, squinting, pointing) Yes, you Sir.
Wolf: (Looking up from magazine, unsure tone) May I...help you?
Journalist Guy: (in a serious voice) Yes, I was wondering if I could talk with you?
Wolf: (Looking back down at magazine, dismissing voice, makes a shooing motion) I already told the people at Cosmo that I was not renewing my subscription.
Journalist Guy: (Bewildered) Ah, no sir, I’’m not from Cosmopolitan.
Wolf: (Interested) You’’re not, well in that case may I inquire where you are from? As you can see I’’m very very busy. (Points at magazine, stares hard at journalist guy.) And I'm too broke to buy food, meaning I'm in a bad mood so get right to it.
Journalist Guy: (Becoming uneasy) I'm from TIME magazine.
Wolf: (Trying to hide excitement) Oh...well then sit down, make yourself comfortable, darlin.
-Journalist Guy stares at wolf, stares at stump, looks back at wolf and reluctantly sits down-
Wolf: (smiling) What did you want to talk about?
Journalist Guy: (Eyeing wolf’s sharp teeth.) Just some questions regarding Little Red Riding Hood.
Wolf: (Eyes darting to the left side and a muttered profanity.)
Narrator note: Sounded like it might have been, "That bitch.””
Wolf: (regaining composure) You would like to interview me about that one girl?
Journalist Guy: (Noting Wolf’’s hatred towards mention of Little Red Riding Hood.) Yes, if you don’’t mind.
Wolf: (Fake smile, words forced through closed teeth) Not at all.
Journalist Guy: (Fake smile in return, fake enthusiasm.) Ok great. Then lets begin.
Journalist Guy: Wolf, how about you tell me a little bit about that day.
(Dramatic music *don, don, DON!*)
Narrator Note: What the bloody hell?
Wolf: (looking far off) That day?
(*don, don, DON!*)
Wolf: Well it began ordinarily enough. (Reflecting) I was sitting right here reading the employment section, I was down on my luck and didn’’t have a job, and I hear a tune being whistled...coming from that same area you appeared from. I look up because the tune is really annoying and that’’s when I saw her.
Journalist Guy: (butting in) "Her" meaning Little Red Riding Hood?
Wolf: (Glaring at a tree or maybe nothing, whispered anger.) Yes.
She had on this little skirt and this blouse that was like seriously showing her cleavage. She had on her red cloak, just awful and this large old basket on her arm. She looks at me and while smirking says, ““Like hiya mister wolf.”” She walks over, looks down at me and I can tell, oh yeah tell that she is laughing at me.
Journalist Guy: So wait, did you know her before this meeting?
Wolf: (Matter-of-fact tone.) Yeah, I knew the lolly.
Wolf: So anyway, she does laugh, blows a bubble with her nasty pink gum and then proceeds to sit down by me!(wolf makes dramatic hand gestures) Can you believe it?!
-Journalist Guy wondering what he should do. Wolf staring at Journalist Guy, is waiting for answer-
Wolf: (Looking away, continuing) Anyhoo, I stare at the cow and she laughs like a perfect idiot. Then she says ““So like Mister Wolf, that kinda sucks that you lost your job at the bar.”” Then she giggles and says while twirling her stupid pigtails and smacking her gum, ““But isn’’t it cool that I work there now?”” I could have just strangled the stupid twit right then, but I had just gotten a manicure. I didn't want pink, but the manicurist said it was my color...
Jounralist Guy: Ahem.
Wolf: Oh Yeah, so then Little Red whore says, which by the way she was trying to antagonize me, she says, ““So uumm, Jeremy and I are together now. Isn’’t that just fab?””
Wolf: (Shaking with anger and whines) She knew I had a thing for Jeremy!
Wolf: So then the jerk got up and skipped away to grandma’’s house.
-Wolf waiting for Journalist Guy to ask him to continue-
Journalist Guy: (Dramatic voice) What happened next?
Wolf: (Looking down at nails) Well of course I had to follow the dumb ass to her Grandma’’s and take revenge. Along the way I came up with a plan and you know me being the strong boy that I am, I got there first. I eat grandma, she really could have used some pepper, but I'm not complaining. Food is food. I grab one of Grandma’’s unfashionable moo moos, her spectacles...I prefer contacts... and lay down in the smelly old bed. Little Miss slut bag comes in the room, throws off her cloak revealing even more of her unappealing body -gags a little from the memory- and then looks over at her ““Grandma.”” (laughs) She says "Oh what big ears, eyes, la la la, whatever"...you know how it goes, I say my lines and then she comes over to me. So I eat her which was a very hard task to accomplish. Ta da, I’’m free of the be-otch.
Journalist Guy: (Interrupting) So then having murdered both grandma and Little Red Riding Hood, how were you able to avoid jail?
Wolf: Simple, dear. I'm extreamly persuasive and I pled self-defence. The girl had a basket for heavens sake! She could of had some concealed weapons. (shakes head in worry) You just never know. I did society a favor, thank you.
Journalist Guy: And Grandma?
Wolf: What can I say, she had it coming. Nothing that large and senile wants to live anyway.
Journalist Guy: (Disgusted) Ok then...well I think that concludes the interview.
-Journalist Guy gets up, wipes butt and hears Wolf whistling.-
Wolf: You get everything you want then, TIME boy?
Journalist Guy: (nervous) Yes, thank you.
Wolf: (winking) Anytime, hot-pants.
Journalist Guy: (Grimaces) You'll get your compensation for the interview and article within the month. Uuhhh...bye.
-Journalist Guy rushes away very confused.-
Wolf's stomach grumbles with hunger. He wishes he had the money now, but suddenly notices something laying on the stump that Journalist Guy just vacated. He picks it up to discover it is a business card with Journalist Guy's number and home office address.
Wolf: (smiling) Well hello dinner.